With a Little Help from our Friends

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17

One implicit goal of ELA’s leadership programs is to encourage participants to forge relationships that help them grow as leaders.  Sometimes those relationships take the form of classic mentorships: a more experienced mentor shares wisdom and offers guidance to a less experienced protégée.   These relationships have immeasurable value.  By the same token, sometimes we can learn just as much from our peers.  This is especially true when a peers become friends who care enough about one another to expect, and celebrate, our best nature.

As Solomon’s Proverb would suggest, this isn’t a new idea.  Aristotle called these relationships, “virtue friendships,” or “friendships based on what is good.”  These are the friends who we can count on to call us on our shortcomings, to reinforce our strengths, and to take genuine pleasure in our successes.  Such relationships are rarely casual, and tend to be enduring and significant in our lives.  They represent an investment, perhaps some level of personal risk, and the potential for enduring benefit.

Successful professionals tend to have these people in their lives.  I know cops, lawyers, nurses, fire chiefs, and accountants who attribute their successes and achievements, in part, to former classmates, teammates, and others with whom they have connected along the way.   Sometimes a mentor becomes a virtue friend as the protégée develops.  Other times, friendships are forged by the shared challenge of a first assignment or a new promotion.  However they are formed, these relationships tend to endure.

Why aren’t these kinds of friendships more prevalent in our workplaces?  Some of the barriers are obvious.  We are forced (or inclined) to compete with one another for opportunities or rewards.  We are so pressed to meet our own individual or team goals, that we aren’t always willing to help others, or to seek help beyond our most immediate needs.   Our teams and assignments shift so often that we don’t really get to know our teammates.  At times, we forget that connecting with others can be fun, too – or we don’t feel like we have the time or energy for that kind of fun.  That’s a shame.

None of these barriers is insurmountable, if we recognize the value of connecting, and reach out to others.  Fire chiefs in particular seem adept at building these virtue friendships with other chiefs.  They rely on these friends to help them make decisions, to reflect and learn from experience, and to mitigate the natural loneliness at the top of an agency.  They share a lot of laughs along the way.  While the underlying commitment and benefits are serious, the process doesn’t have to be, at least not often.

The rest of us can learn from these leaders by reaching out and becoming virtue friends for others.  Look for opportunities to connect, and consciously invest in these invaluable relationships.  Be willing to give and receive feedback, and to engage in substantive discussions from time to time.  Pick people with whom you like to spend time, too.   Enjoy.