Share your User Guide

An excerpt from Chad’s book “Thinking Aloud: Reflections on Ethical Leadership”. We hope you enjoy the essay – and perhaps introduce the questions below as a way to start conversations with your teammates. – ELA Team

Get a free PDF version of Chad’s Book, “Thinking Aloud” now at https://ethinact.com/thinking-aloud/.

Share your User Guide

Some weeks ago, my 12-year-old son got off a very funny crack about my expanding baldness.  Despite what I thought was my obvious amusement, he quickly grew serious and asked, “Dad, did I cross the line?  Was that disrespectful?  I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

What he was asking for, on one level, was permission to rib me, both retroactively and proactively.  He also wanted to avoid inadvertently hurting my feelings.  He was duly relieved by my confirmation: I am not the least bit sensitive about my hairline (such as it is).

Below the surface was a deeper question about the ground rules of our relationship, now that he’s no longer a little kid.  As our conversation continued, we considered a range of boundaries, and each learned something about the other.  He’s a kind soul and a great young man (I say this with parental bias fully acknowledged).

The discussion led me to think about times in my life when I would have acted differently had I known more about the people around me.  I also came to realize, and to marvel, at how many times I remembered being hurt or offended, when the person committing the offending act or statement could not possibly have known of my relevant sensitivities.

We need not suffer these unintended indignities.  A communication model exists that can help us.  This model emerges from, of all places, the electronics equipment industry.

I recently purchased a portable audio recorder.  On my own, I could figure out how to make a recording, transfer it to my PC and change a few settings.  By reading the User Guide, however, I learned:

• Hidden features, like dual-level stereo track recording (it’s nerd-o-phonic!).
• Care instructions, such as how to safely clean the microphones.
• Cautions,including one warning not to plug in the device while recording, lest it automatically turn itself off.

With knowledge of that sort, I was equipped to get the most out of my new purchase.  Why not share analogous aspects of ourselves with our colleagues?

In my early 20s, I transitioned from a business job in Chicago to an academic job in Minneapolis.  Within months, I was in hot water with my new boss, with nary a clue as to why.  As we talked about her (many) frustrations with me, it became clear: my previous supervisors had taught me to greatly limit contact with them until my tasks were complete, while she expected regular updates and opportunities to provide input into my work.  When we cleared that up – my “Features” and her “Cautions,” if you will – we began working together fabulously.

I have been conducting a training exercise based on this idea.  Participants reflect on and share those aspects of themselves that might not be obvious to their peers.  In just a few weeks, we have seen some fascinating results:

• A meeting planner discovered that one of her associates had been a stand-up comedian and was able to use him when a scheduled speaker was running late.
• A CEO realized how irritated he was when people dropped in at the beginning of the day without an appointment, “before he got busy.”  He had never told them to make an appointment.
• An employee turned to his supervisor and asked her for more feedback, positive and negative. “No news is never good news for me,” he said, “even if you intend it to be.”  They agreed to change the way they worked together, and they have done so.

There are other benefits to this sharing, as well.  It is easier to resolve differences with someone whom you know as a person.  Much of our personhood takes place outside of work.  Common interests are nice, but divergent interests are fun, too.  I’m a committed omnivore, especially devoted to carnivory.  I recently turned to a vegan client for an appropriate, yet interesting, recipe to bring to a recent potluck.  Even that little bit of connection made it easier for us to work on some business challenges.  We give one another the benefit of the doubt, without thinking about doing so.  Because we know one another a bit more as people, we are able to work through conflicts more smoothly.

This kind of sharing need not be formal.  You get to choose what features you share, how, and with whom.  The intent is to give people the information they need to work with you, in ways that are mutually satisfying.  What could be bad?

Conversation Starters

Let the people around you know what makes you tick, and get to know them as people as you allow them to know you.

• Share your user guide with others! Start with your passions outside of work, and then progress to your work styles and preferences.
• Provide feedback to others, as well: let them know when you are surprised by what you learned from their sharing.
• What is something surprising that you have learned about someone with whom you work, and how did it contribute to your work together?

At Ethical Leaders in Action we believe that most, if not all people, can develop themselves to play leadership roles in many different spheres both large and small. The foundation of this development process is a short but powerful list of virtues which can be developed and improved through conscious effort. For more information feel free to take the Virtues of Ethical Leadership Self Inventory (VELSI) which breaks these virtues down into features that can be individually developed. The results of the VELSI come with a quick reference guide to help you understand how the virtues and their individual features fit together. https://ethinact.com/velsi/

See a list of other posts in this series at Blog Post Series

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