Bully!  Problem and Opportunity

An excerpt from Chad’s book “Thinking Aloud: Reflections on Ethical Leadership”. We hope you enjoy the essay – and perhaps introduce the questions below as a way to start conversations with your teammates. – ELA Team

Get a free PDF version of Chad’s Book, “Thinking Aloud” now at https://ethinact.com/thinking-aloud/.

Bully!  Problem and Opportunity

During a break in one recent seminar, a group of parents gathered around the refreshments.  All had kids in grades 5-8. Many of those kids are being picked on in school.  Because I do most of the talking during these seminars, I try to listen quietly during the breaks.  I took in the conversation.  What I heard was fascinating.

First, one dad said that his kid was getting beaten up at recess, behind a backstop and a snow pile, where nobody could see.  The kid’s mom called the principal, and the area in question was roped off the next day.  Problem solved?  Nope.  Not surprisingly, playground scuffling is a fairly mobile activity, so the violence continued unabated.  But when this dad talked more with his kid, he found out that his son was actually provoking the challenge.  While he wasn’t being physically aggressive, he was certainly inviting confrontation, and didn’t mind the conflict or the outcome.  Even though the kid was just telling stories, his parents didn’t understand this and reacted.

Another mom chimed in with a very different story: her daughter was being singled out for ridicule by two specific ringleaders, who pressured other kids to stay away from her or risk ridicule.  Her daughter, a top student, didn’t want to go to school.

The other parents listening to these stories were very upset.  One dad was out for bully-blood, angry with both schools for anemic responses.  A mom disagreed: “There’s nothing we can do anyway,” she said.  “It’s kids being kids, and we are just making it worse by meddling.  The bullies will win every time.”

People were gathering around us.  Another mom offered her story: “My son gets picked on because, well, because he is kind of nerdy.  I’m trying to teach him to be cooler and to fit in better.”  The first dad jumped on that like a lion on a staked goat.  “No!” he almost shouted.  “You’re blaming the victim.  You just need to teach him that he’s being treated unjustly, and that it isn’t a reflection on him.  Don’t teach him to change.  Teach him that he’s wonderful the way he is.”

Sometimes, remaining silent yields rich rewards.  These responses say at least as much about their advocates as they do about the situations at hand.  These days, a drive to “stop bullying” is informed, at least in part, by reported incidents where victims of chronic peer abuse have gone on to perpetrate acts of horrendous violence.  Since time immemorial, parents have wanted to make life easier for their kids than it was for them.  Differing perspectives on bullying can reveal broader differences in parenting styles and their underlying beliefs.

Kids can be mean – not unlike adults.  Among school and youth-centered communities, we see increasing awareness of bullying and abuse and important, valuable programs to prevent them.   All these parents offered wisdom, though.  We want to insulate our kids from the damaging effects of bullying, and yet these challenges can offer opportunities to learn resilience and maybe new skills.  Abusive behavior must be curbed, and yet we must also care for abusers – who are kids, too – helping them grow while teaching accountability for behavior.

Conversation Starters:

Childhood is complicated, which makes it the perfect preparation for adulthood.  Bullying presents some particularly troubling complications.

• Were you a bully as a kid? Were you bullied?   What did you learn from your experiences?
• What do you wish you had done differently? Was there a hidden opportunity within the bullying problem?
• How does adult bullying – and appropriate responses – differ from the childhood variety?

At Ethical Leaders in Action we believe that most, if not all people, can develop themselves to play leadership roles in many different spheres both large and small. The foundation of this development process is a short but powerful list of virtues which can be developed and improved through conscious effort. For more information feel free to take the Virtues of Ethical Leadership Self Inventory (VELSI) which breaks these virtues down into features that can be individually developed. The results of the VELSI come with a quick reference guide to help you understand how the virtues and their individual features fit together. https://ethinact.com/velsi/

See a list of other posts in this series at Blog Post Series

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